Back from CO

Long trip.
Got the well fixed then found enough chores to keep me busy every bit of daylight.
Cut wood for next year. Split last years logs. Stacked them up nicely. Vaccuumed every corner of the house. Washed the windows inside and out. Used the last two days fixing the windmill that now serves as a decoration. The work (especially the windmill) was fun.

Didn't go drinking. There was only a 6 pack on the premises so I left it alone. I had some smoke. Bud and hash for after my shower. Didn't smoke the last two nights...

Just sat on the porch staring out to the trees. Nobody around for miles. Didn't know anybody. Didn't see anyone else. Not a friend to call. Lonely like me.

Sitting there with these thoughts made my head hurt just behind my temples. I thought tears would come but my eyes stayed dry. My heart and chest became numb.

Words went through my head: "Regret. Sadness. Sorrow. Empty."

"Empty shell of a man." I thought to myself. No hope in sight. No reply to my SOS. Not a beacon in sight. No lighthouses. No hope.

Hope leads to pain and nothing else. Numbness is better. Numbness around people is better than being miles from anyone. Atleast I hear kids laughing and dogs barking here at home. Atleast I can walk to the corner for a sandwich and beer.

Still never lived, but atleast I'm near those that do.