Saturday, March 12, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Fortunate SOB
Thanks to my great-Aun't's will, people have found a new reason to hate me.
Cousins who have never liked me now want me to invest in their businesses. Sorry, guys. You were never nice to me, so suck it.
Cousins Chrissy, Tom and Bill have always been nice. Chrissy's restaurant is very successful. Tom , Bill and Larry have paid back and didn't fuck the money off like David and Steve. Pixie boeeowed, paid back and is doing great. The three who didn't pay me back all want more. Lots more.
Too bad.
Got mom a new Toyota Yaris. Got my little sis a Nissan Sentra. Sis is pating back, but mom doesn't have to.
For the first time in my life I've given money to a church. The nuns at St Christopher are hopefully buying food for the local poor.
Off MediCal now. Feel I should volunteer at the county hospital out of gratitude for the years of care I'vr received there. They saved and restored some sight in one eye and I'd most likely have died without them. Good thing nobody reads this shit or the hospital would be getting hate mail.
I think I've made amends with those who allowed. I hope my disappearance from the lives of the others is an acceptable pay back. I doubt it though. No. I don't doubt that it isn't. I know it isn't and that they prefer it this way.
So it goes.
Saw Bucket List a few years ago and thought I'd make my own "things to do" list.
Things I've done:
Scaled Mt. Whitney
Parachuted
Buhgy jumped
visited New York
Things still to do:
visit Ireland
visit Germany
I can do these things, but I cannot finish the list. The one thing I want most is the one thing I will never have. I could buy it, but I won't. Rhis keeps me awake at nights. It brings me shame, humiliation and tears. Lots of tears.
I don't believe in a god, but if there is one I refuse to worship it. It's better to not believe than hate...
But if you are listening, Gourd, hear this loudly:
Fuck you!!!
Hey, one more off the bucket list!
Cousins who have never liked me now want me to invest in their businesses. Sorry, guys. You were never nice to me, so suck it.
Cousins Chrissy, Tom and Bill have always been nice. Chrissy's restaurant is very successful. Tom , Bill and Larry have paid back and didn't fuck the money off like David and Steve. Pixie boeeowed, paid back and is doing great. The three who didn't pay me back all want more. Lots more.
Too bad.
Got mom a new Toyota Yaris. Got my little sis a Nissan Sentra. Sis is pating back, but mom doesn't have to.
For the first time in my life I've given money to a church. The nuns at St Christopher are hopefully buying food for the local poor.
Off MediCal now. Feel I should volunteer at the county hospital out of gratitude for the years of care I'vr received there. They saved and restored some sight in one eye and I'd most likely have died without them. Good thing nobody reads this shit or the hospital would be getting hate mail.
I think I've made amends with those who allowed. I hope my disappearance from the lives of the others is an acceptable pay back. I doubt it though. No. I don't doubt that it isn't. I know it isn't and that they prefer it this way.
So it goes.
Saw Bucket List a few years ago and thought I'd make my own "things to do" list.
Things I've done:
Scaled Mt. Whitney
Parachuted
Buhgy jumped
visited New York
Things still to do:
visit Ireland
visit Germany
I can do these things, but I cannot finish the list. The one thing I want most is the one thing I will never have. I could buy it, but I won't. Rhis keeps me awake at nights. It brings me shame, humiliation and tears. Lots of tears.
I don't believe in a god, but if there is one I refuse to worship it. It's better to not believe than hate...
But if you are listening, Gourd, hear this loudly:
Fuck you!!!
Hey, one more off the bucket list!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
loner
Been cooking three days a week at the shelter. No pay. I'm sorry I can't do it anymore.
Still give blood though.
I try my best, but people aren't going to like me. Nobody.
My sense of humor used to help me cope. My sense of humor is dead now.
Social creatures?
I exist. Never lived. I don't know how.
How? Please tell me.
Still give blood though.
I try my best, but people aren't going to like me. Nobody.
My sense of humor used to help me cope. My sense of humor is dead now.
Social creatures?
I exist. Never lived. I don't know how.
How? Please tell me.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Yada yada yada
I heard it rains harder in San Bernardino than in any other part of Southern California. Found that to be true yesterday. My shoes and socks were soaked.
The soup kitchen there is filled with homeless families, families with homes and little money, loners, alot of women beaten by their spouses and some elderly too.
Seeing the children there is toughest. Especially those who are new to the shelter. They all look so hopeless.
****
I got drenched on my way from the bus stop to shelter in Colton today too. It rained like a muthafucka.
The Colton shelter makes for Mexican food. I'll help make tamales on Wednesday for Christmas Eve and Day. I might also help make tamales for New Years Day. It's traditional I guess. I don't mind. I love making tamales.
A few days ago we were passing out flyers in the areas of Colton where the homeless gather. I gave one to some white guys in their late 20s. One had a southern accent, the other said he grew up local. They both were working at the same place and sharing an apartment when they were layed-off. They stayed in the apartment as long as they could, but neither could find steady work, although both had jobs for a few days here and there.
They reminded me of Nick and myself. Nick was a buddy I grew up with in Yotba Linda. In our twenties we were living in my Honda Civic wagon, dealing and using cocaine. We'd score some cash and a big bag of blow and live it up in a hotel for a few days, then we'd be back in the car for a few weeks. We actually were having a blast most of the time. Really fun times, till we got sick of it.
We ended up driving away from Anaheim and looking for jobs in Placentia. We were both hired by Target. We'd bathe in an apartment complex swimming pool every night, and shave in the gas station bathroom.
One day I had to work later than Nick. He drove up as I was getting out the door of Target and said, "Let's go home".
"Oh no, I'm not going back to Anaheim and all that shit again."
He pulled up to an apartment complex (down the street from out bath) and pointed to an upstairs patio window.
"There's our place. $700 a month."
It was great. Two bedrooms, one bath, a kitchen with a fridge... We were happy SOBs.
Guess I just miss those days.
Anyway, the guys in their @0s showed up at the shelter tonight and really brought the place some life. They were mingling as though it was a real party.
I cooked the main course tonight. Nine baked, stuffed chickens.
People were laughing and eating up. They were diving into the chicken and paying compliments to the chef.
So today was a great day to write about. Too late to even attempt to correct all the spelling errors.
I may never... will never have all the best, or even a little bit of the best, but I'll make the best with what I've got and have a decent day once every few months.
The soup kitchen there is filled with homeless families, families with homes and little money, loners, alot of women beaten by their spouses and some elderly too.
Seeing the children there is toughest. Especially those who are new to the shelter. They all look so hopeless.
****
I got drenched on my way from the bus stop to shelter in Colton today too. It rained like a muthafucka.
The Colton shelter makes for Mexican food. I'll help make tamales on Wednesday for Christmas Eve and Day. I might also help make tamales for New Years Day. It's traditional I guess. I don't mind. I love making tamales.
A few days ago we were passing out flyers in the areas of Colton where the homeless gather. I gave one to some white guys in their late 20s. One had a southern accent, the other said he grew up local. They both were working at the same place and sharing an apartment when they were layed-off. They stayed in the apartment as long as they could, but neither could find steady work, although both had jobs for a few days here and there.
They reminded me of Nick and myself. Nick was a buddy I grew up with in Yotba Linda. In our twenties we were living in my Honda Civic wagon, dealing and using cocaine. We'd score some cash and a big bag of blow and live it up in a hotel for a few days, then we'd be back in the car for a few weeks. We actually were having a blast most of the time. Really fun times, till we got sick of it.
We ended up driving away from Anaheim and looking for jobs in Placentia. We were both hired by Target. We'd bathe in an apartment complex swimming pool every night, and shave in the gas station bathroom.
One day I had to work later than Nick. He drove up as I was getting out the door of Target and said, "Let's go home".
"Oh no, I'm not going back to Anaheim and all that shit again."
He pulled up to an apartment complex (down the street from out bath) and pointed to an upstairs patio window.
"There's our place. $700 a month."
It was great. Two bedrooms, one bath, a kitchen with a fridge... We were happy SOBs.
Guess I just miss those days.
Anyway, the guys in their @0s showed up at the shelter tonight and really brought the place some life. They were mingling as though it was a real party.
I cooked the main course tonight. Nine baked, stuffed chickens.
People were laughing and eating up. They were diving into the chicken and paying compliments to the chef.
So today was a great day to write about. Too late to even attempt to correct all the spelling errors.
I may never... will never have all the best, or even a little bit of the best, but I'll make the best with what I've got and have a decent day once every few months.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Why should I care?
The local bloodbank calls to make an appointment for me to donate. I made an appointment for this Monday.
I have to take the bus and two goddamn transfers to get there by 12:30.
Had no invitations for Thanksgiving. I went to the Hutton community center in Colton and helped cook Thanksgiving dinner for some homeless. Some people had homes, but couldn't afford a Thanksgiving dinner. I helped make the stuffing and was the only one in charge of making cranberrie sauce. Pretty simple, but I added oranges and walnuts (I bought myself) to the cranberries sugar and water. I thought it might not be what the people were used to after I made it, but they actually loved it. I got a ride from my mother to Colton, but had to take a bus and catch two more transfers to get home. Almost got hit by some asshole in a lowered mini-truck after I jumped off the last bus.
I still give canned goods to St. Christopher's. There the cans are given to the poor. Sometimes I donate dispoable diapers and formula or brand new baby bottles.
No one I've ever talked to gives a flying fuck about me. No one has ever offered me help. No one has ever given me anything. Ever. But I still give what I can. I give blood at a bloodbank. I give sweat over soup kitchen ranges and in dragging cans to a church. I give beers to Terry, the local drunk who lives behind CVS.
I'll never stop giving, no matter how much so-called liberals get me down. They'll never make a LINO out of me. They're as greedy and inclusive as your regular conservafuck in his little country club.
I have to take the bus and two goddamn transfers to get there by 12:30.
Had no invitations for Thanksgiving. I went to the Hutton community center in Colton and helped cook Thanksgiving dinner for some homeless. Some people had homes, but couldn't afford a Thanksgiving dinner. I helped make the stuffing and was the only one in charge of making cranberrie sauce. Pretty simple, but I added oranges and walnuts (I bought myself) to the cranberries sugar and water. I thought it might not be what the people were used to after I made it, but they actually loved it. I got a ride from my mother to Colton, but had to take a bus and catch two more transfers to get home. Almost got hit by some asshole in a lowered mini-truck after I jumped off the last bus.
I still give canned goods to St. Christopher's. There the cans are given to the poor. Sometimes I donate dispoable diapers and formula or brand new baby bottles.
No one I've ever talked to gives a flying fuck about me. No one has ever offered me help. No one has ever given me anything. Ever. But I still give what I can. I give blood at a bloodbank. I give sweat over soup kitchen ranges and in dragging cans to a church. I give beers to Terry, the local drunk who lives behind CVS.
I'll never stop giving, no matter how much so-called liberals get me down. They'll never make a LINO out of me. They're as greedy and inclusive as your regular conservafuck in his little country club.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Gallows humor is a temporary help
Laughing your way through difficult times is a good pain killer. Laughter has fewer side effects than opiates such as morphine and Vicodine. Laughter works best on pains that are psychological, rather than physical. Men who knowingly suffer from psychological pains will naturally suffer more, thanks to our free society.
Laughter is a great pain reliever. But like drugs, laughter loses it's power to ease pain.
Side effects:
Hope
Laughter
Smiling
A false notion that one has a future
Cold reality
The world is for pretenders.
The purest of heart are fodder for "liberals" and are three course dinners for "conservatives". Please note the quotation marks.
Wish I'd never known the power of humor. Now that I am so immune to the "drug", I feel emptiness. And it fucking hurts to feel you have no future. But nobody's ever given a rat's ass about a misfit, so I might as well be talking to a wall. That's what the world is made of: Walls. Walls that keep poeple like myself on the outside looking in. Sad people like me can't find our likenesses. We're programmed by the elitists; The high and mighty who program us to look down on our own kind, and ignore what is in our best interest.
There's nothing funny about that.
Laughter is a great pain reliever. But like drugs, laughter loses it's power to ease pain.
Side effects:
Hope
Laughter
Smiling
A false notion that one has a future
Cold reality
The world is for pretenders.
The purest of heart are fodder for "liberals" and are three course dinners for "conservatives". Please note the quotation marks.
Wish I'd never known the power of humor. Now that I am so immune to the "drug", I feel emptiness. And it fucking hurts to feel you have no future. But nobody's ever given a rat's ass about a misfit, so I might as well be talking to a wall. That's what the world is made of: Walls. Walls that keep poeple like myself on the outside looking in. Sad people like me can't find our likenesses. We're programmed by the elitists; The high and mighty who program us to look down on our own kind, and ignore what is in our best interest.
There's nothing funny about that.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Eats!
Every once in a while a person has to get off the dr. ordered healthy diet stuff an' gets hisseff sumpin' gooood!
I walked 6.4 miles to an IHOP this morning for some scrambled eggs and sausage and some crepes with fruit and cream or creme or something. The walk was worth it. But... I took the bus home.
Think I'll have breakfast out once a month and dinner out once a month too. I want a ribeye and a fat potatoe with the works every now and then.
Just looked on Google Maps to see how far I walked this morning and found another IHOP only 3.3 miles from home. Gotdamnit.
I walked 6.4 miles to an IHOP this morning for some scrambled eggs and sausage and some crepes with fruit and cream or creme or something. The walk was worth it. But... I took the bus home.
Think I'll have breakfast out once a month and dinner out once a month too. I want a ribeye and a fat potatoe with the works every now and then.
Just looked on Google Maps to see how far I walked this morning and found another IHOP only 3.3 miles from home. Gotdamnit.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Where'd that kernel come from?
seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2004119138_reclaim11.html
Now. Anybody that knows their hole from an ass in the ground knows that OC is VERY Republican. And anybody worth their sweat knows that Republicans hate regulation. They hate it with a passion.
Cutting corners and saving a few bucks is their scrote. So it's more than just possible, it's very plausible that that OC residents will be soon bathe in their own icky stuff. And they'll deserve every drop.
Thankfully, I get my tap from Diamond Lake near Hemet, CA.
I live near the 60 which leads to the 91. Off the Yorba Linda Blvd exit there's a Taco Bell that has a very clean restroom. Think I'll have my morning constitutionals there.
OC residents: Hope you fuckers like corn. I sure do.
The finished product will be injected into the county's vast groundwater basin to combat saltwater intrusion and supplement drinking-water supplies for 2.3 million people in coastal, central and northern Orange County.
Now. Anybody that knows their hole from an ass in the ground knows that OC is VERY Republican. And anybody worth their sweat knows that Republicans hate regulation. They hate it with a passion.
Cutting corners and saving a few bucks is their scrote. So it's more than just possible, it's very plausible that that OC residents will be soon bathe in their own icky stuff. And they'll deserve every drop.
Thankfully, I get my tap from Diamond Lake near Hemet, CA.
I live near the 60 which leads to the 91. Off the Yorba Linda Blvd exit there's a Taco Bell that has a very clean restroom. Think I'll have my morning constitutionals there.
OC residents: Hope you fuckers like corn. I sure do.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Dupuytren's suck and stuff
The tendon is bending the finger again. Think I'll be wearng a splint at night for months.
Still have venison jerky. Elk, white-tail and mule deer dehydrated. Thanks to my friends who can hunt but cannot butcher. My skills with a knife and the investment in a dehydrator are paying off. My iron level is thru the sky since I busted open the pack of jerked elk and small deer.
In June I co-signed for mom's new Toyota Yaris. Last week someone backed into her driver's side front fender while mom's car was parked. I did the body work in her garage. Got the insurance check yesterday. Got a call to do from her insurance this morning asking if I would do more body work for them in the future. Yes.
Drank my homebrewed beer and wine this week. The wine was too acidic for my taste. The beer was great. I'm good at brewing a pilsner type lager. I'll try the pale Chimay, Fat Tire, Blue Moon beer next.
Low self-esteem is my label. Don't think I'll ever conquer that feeling. I always have, and always will fall short
Still have venison jerky. Elk, white-tail and mule deer dehydrated. Thanks to my friends who can hunt but cannot butcher. My skills with a knife and the investment in a dehydrator are paying off. My iron level is thru the sky since I busted open the pack of jerked elk and small deer.
In June I co-signed for mom's new Toyota Yaris. Last week someone backed into her driver's side front fender while mom's car was parked. I did the body work in her garage. Got the insurance check yesterday. Got a call to do from her insurance this morning asking if I would do more body work for them in the future. Yes.
Drank my homebrewed beer and wine this week. The wine was too acidic for my taste. The beer was great. I'm good at brewing a pilsner type lager. I'll try the pale Chimay, Fat Tire, Blue Moon beer next.
Low self-esteem is my label. Don't think I'll ever conquer that feeling. I always have, and always will fall short
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Third Quarter: Fox Down 21% - MSNBC Up
From The Political Carnival:
I don't think the Republicans and/or Teabag Partiers are going to win as much as the polls suggest. Realistic data supersedes polls. And the furure looks very bright for Dems. Fox's demographic is old. I mean really friggin' old. Geezers if you will. MSNBC's viewers are younger.
I believe that the Teabag Party is helping kill the GOP.
Die, fuckers. Die. We'll pump your cruddy crude from the rocks in a million years and burn your liquyd asses for energy. Fucking Dinosaurs. Die!
The cable news ratings for the third quarter of 2010 were released today, and Fox News is showing signs of decline as their viewership has decreased by 21%, and their top shows all posted double digit losses, while MSNBC’s shows grew and the network attracted more younger viewers.
Fox News is still dominating the cable news ratings. The network has the top 11 programs in cable news, but there are ominous signs that the empire is starting to crack. Compared to the third quarter of 2009, Fox has lost 21% of their total viewers, and 26% of their younger viewers. The biggest loser on the network was Bill O’Reilly who saw his program The O’Reilly Factor lose 12% of its total viewers and 21% of its young viewers. Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Bret Baier, and Greta Van Susteren rounded out the top five cable news shows, and they each posted double digit declines.
I don't think the Republicans and/or Teabag Partiers are going to win as much as the polls suggest. Realistic data supersedes polls. And the furure looks very bright for Dems. Fox's demographic is old. I mean really friggin' old. Geezers if you will. MSNBC's viewers are younger.
I believe that the Teabag Party is helping kill the GOP.
Die, fuckers. Die. We'll pump your cruddy crude from the rocks in a million years and burn your liquyd asses for energy. Fucking Dinosaurs. Die!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
More shit
After the Dupuytren's surgery my little finger still wants to bend. I'll have to wear that splint till Glenn Beck's mouth freezes over and hot air stops coming from it.
Still bummed that Teaspoon died. I miss the kitty who would sleep on my back when I slept face down, on my chest when I slept face up and on my side. I remember feeding her Gerber baby food from a teaspoon because she was so tiny when I got her. Bummed that Pickles was turned loose by my nephew. He left the door open and I suspect he picked her up and yook her outside to play or something. He does that with his cats at home. Poor Biscuit is left here with no cat friends. I remember finding her on the porch of a vacant house I was watching for the owner. Biscuit was sleeping in a tire on the porch and a neighbor was feeding her there. It was a cold and rainy February night when I sat on the steps and petted her, then chased her back when she started to follow me home... where I stayed for 5 minutes and my conscience got the best of me so I went back to bring her home. She's a pretty black and orange.
What else...
It was a beautiful cool and rainy day. Not too rainy, but perfect.
Spilling protein. Bad news for the kidneys. Fucking type 1 diabetes. Not sure how long till I am at stage 1 kidney disease but I've already started a diet to preserve them as long as I can.
What else...
Oh yeah. Meg Whitman is a whore. Even so, I'm still not voting for her.
Still bummed that Teaspoon died. I miss the kitty who would sleep on my back when I slept face down, on my chest when I slept face up and on my side. I remember feeding her Gerber baby food from a teaspoon because she was so tiny when I got her. Bummed that Pickles was turned loose by my nephew. He left the door open and I suspect he picked her up and yook her outside to play or something. He does that with his cats at home. Poor Biscuit is left here with no cat friends. I remember finding her on the porch of a vacant house I was watching for the owner. Biscuit was sleeping in a tire on the porch and a neighbor was feeding her there. It was a cold and rainy February night when I sat on the steps and petted her, then chased her back when she started to follow me home... where I stayed for 5 minutes and my conscience got the best of me so I went back to bring her home. She's a pretty black and orange.
What else...
It was a beautiful cool and rainy day. Not too rainy, but perfect.
Spilling protein. Bad news for the kidneys. Fucking type 1 diabetes. Not sure how long till I am at stage 1 kidney disease but I've already started a diet to preserve them as long as I can.
What else...
Oh yeah. Meg Whitman is a whore. Even so, I'm still not voting for her.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
HPD - Nope
Great news, America!
Your favorite Blogger was told yesterday that he is not "histrionic". And as I have previously stated, I am not diagnosed with depression either.
That's right. My gloomy, dark, sadness comes from without, not from within. Gosh. That's encouraging. I've been told by those who have studied these disorders and who've also studied the living shit out of yours truly that my problem has many sources. None having to do with a chemical imbalance AKA "Crazy". My problem is with my inability to cope, the fact that I am a misfit and social retard. Glad that's all it is.
Also, with the exception of one incident, I have dealt with rejection in a healthy way. That incident was a long, drawnout chapter in the Book of GR. The unhealthy part there was how long I clung to a dying friendship. It was a pretty sad situation, and what bothers me most is that my social retardation is to blame. Makes it hard not to be angry with myself because I really valued that friendship.
I was told that I should not focus on a gloomy future, but on the now. "Focus on the now," said the doc. I almost died holding in the laughter.
Focusing on the present doesn't fix shit. It doesn't help a goddamn bit. The now is as fucked up as the then. Some things cannot be changed.
Your favorite Blogger was told yesterday that he is not "histrionic". And as I have previously stated, I am not diagnosed with depression either.
That's right. My gloomy, dark, sadness comes from without, not from within. Gosh. That's encouraging. I've been told by those who have studied these disorders and who've also studied the living shit out of yours truly that my problem has many sources. None having to do with a chemical imbalance AKA "Crazy". My problem is with my inability to cope, the fact that I am a misfit and social retard. Glad that's all it is.
Also, with the exception of one incident, I have dealt with rejection in a healthy way. That incident was a long, drawnout chapter in the Book of GR. The unhealthy part there was how long I clung to a dying friendship. It was a pretty sad situation, and what bothers me most is that my social retardation is to blame. Makes it hard not to be angry with myself because I really valued that friendship.
I was told that I should not focus on a gloomy future, but on the now. "Focus on the now," said the doc. I almost died holding in the laughter.
Focusing on the present doesn't fix shit. It doesn't help a goddamn bit. The now is as fucked up as the then. Some things cannot be changed.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Back from CO
Long trip.
Got the well fixed then found enough chores to keep me busy every bit of daylight.
Cut wood for next year. Split last years logs. Stacked them up nicely. Vaccuumed every corner of the house. Washed the windows inside and out. Used the last two days fixing the windmill that now serves as a decoration. The work (especially the windmill) was fun.
Didn't go drinking. There was only a 6 pack on the premises so I left it alone. I had some smoke. Bud and hash for after my shower. Didn't smoke the last two nights...
Just sat on the porch staring out to the trees. Nobody around for miles. Didn't know anybody. Didn't see anyone else. Not a friend to call. Lonely like me.
Sitting there with these thoughts made my head hurt just behind my temples. I thought tears would come but my eyes stayed dry. My heart and chest became numb.
Words went through my head: "Regret. Sadness. Sorrow. Empty."
"Empty shell of a man." I thought to myself. No hope in sight. No reply to my SOS. Not a beacon in sight. No lighthouses. No hope.
Hope leads to pain and nothing else. Numbness is better. Numbness around people is better than being miles from anyone. Atleast I hear kids laughing and dogs barking here at home. Atleast I can walk to the corner for a sandwich and beer.
Still never lived, but atleast I'm near those that do.
Got the well fixed then found enough chores to keep me busy every bit of daylight.
Cut wood for next year. Split last years logs. Stacked them up nicely. Vaccuumed every corner of the house. Washed the windows inside and out. Used the last two days fixing the windmill that now serves as a decoration. The work (especially the windmill) was fun.
Didn't go drinking. There was only a 6 pack on the premises so I left it alone. I had some smoke. Bud and hash for after my shower. Didn't smoke the last two nights...
Just sat on the porch staring out to the trees. Nobody around for miles. Didn't know anybody. Didn't see anyone else. Not a friend to call. Lonely like me.
Sitting there with these thoughts made my head hurt just behind my temples. I thought tears would come but my eyes stayed dry. My heart and chest became numb.
Words went through my head: "Regret. Sadness. Sorrow. Empty."
"Empty shell of a man." I thought to myself. No hope in sight. No reply to my SOS. Not a beacon in sight. No lighthouses. No hope.
Hope leads to pain and nothing else. Numbness is better. Numbness around people is better than being miles from anyone. Atleast I hear kids laughing and dogs barking here at home. Atleast I can walk to the corner for a sandwich and beer.
Still never lived, but atleast I'm near those that do.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Notes on the Whitman-Diaz bullshit
Whitman could not wave the letter in ftont of Diaz and say, "You're fired." Whitman could and should have seen the letter as a clue that her maid was undocumented. She should have done the necessary research into her maids status. That is what is expected of a responsible employee. A former CEO would know how to investigate her employees immigration status.
Diaz worked at Whitman's triple-wide wheeled mansion for a decade. There's no way she didn't know Diaz's illegal status. The letter was another clue to the Witless goobernatural nominee. She's not pleading ignorance. She's pleading stupidity. One would have to be gullible to believe such her preposterous excuse.
According to Witless, her maid confessed to being undocumted in 2009. Fuck you! Diaz lied about her status and presented forged or fake documentation and a phony SS number. She lied for a decade only to confess during Whitman's Republican primary? Fuck you again. Witless knew her maid was legal and dumped her because it proved she was a hypocrite.;
Diaz worked at Whitman's triple-wide wheeled mansion for a decade. There's no way she didn't know Diaz's illegal status. The letter was another clue to the Witless goobernatural nominee. She's not pleading ignorance. She's pleading stupidity. One would have to be gullible to believe such her preposterous excuse.
According to Witless, her maid confessed to being undocumted in 2009. Fuck you! Diaz lied about her status and presented forged or fake documentation and a phony SS number. She lied for a decade only to confess during Whitman's Republican primary? Fuck you again. Witless knew her maid was legal and dumped her because it proved she was a hypocrite.;
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Bam!
Just had to write this because it's fucking funny:
I walked to the new Walmart the other day to check it out. First time I've been to a Walmart. Glad their was a Blimpy's inside because my blood sugar was getting really low. They got some good sammiches in there.
So I was strolling around the Walmart looking at all the stuff and I noticed a really hot chick on the other side of the aisle. Some guy walking up the aisle noticed her too. He' was walking with a drink in his hand, wearing a baseball hat and sun glasses. He was staring ar rhe hotty real hard.
BAM!
Dumb ass walked right into a post in the middle of the aisle. Knocked his hat and glasses off, but didn't spill his drink. He looks and sees me laughing.
About a minute later another guy does the exact same thing. This time the chick noticed. And the guy spilled his drink.
I informed the woman that this was the second time in about a minute and that for public safety she should probably wear a burqa.
She laughed out loud at that. I think she was Arab.
I walked to the new Walmart the other day to check it out. First time I've been to a Walmart. Glad their was a Blimpy's inside because my blood sugar was getting really low. They got some good sammiches in there.
So I was strolling around the Walmart looking at all the stuff and I noticed a really hot chick on the other side of the aisle. Some guy walking up the aisle noticed her too. He' was walking with a drink in his hand, wearing a baseball hat and sun glasses. He was staring ar rhe hotty real hard.
BAM!
Dumb ass walked right into a post in the middle of the aisle. Knocked his hat and glasses off, but didn't spill his drink. He looks and sees me laughing.
About a minute later another guy does the exact same thing. This time the chick noticed. And the guy spilled his drink.
I informed the woman that this was the second time in about a minute and that for public safety she should probably wear a burqa.
She laughed out loud at that. I think she was Arab.
Trippin'
Iron level was 36 Friday. Have to be atleast 38 to donate. Have to start a supplement again and start eating Cream of Wheat for breakfast and more red meat.
Weighed 165 at the docs office Thursday. Cut back on the beer and can see my six pack again. Lots of swimming helped too. Swam across Lake Perris and back on my birthday. Think I'll make it a GR tradition. Might hike to the top of that pointy hill on the east side of the lake this fall. I've been on every other hilltop around that lake. Gotta climb the pointy topped hill, damn it.
Going to some property near Cedaredge, CO Monday. I'll be staying for a week. There's a house and 47 acres my brother bought a couple years ago. I'll be working on the well pump while he goes to Denver on business. I'll be taking a bag of weed with me so that will make for some good times. No TV or internet. There's a bar 2 miles down the road. Sounds like a good place to get beat up or slapped. Hopefully I can get a ride back to the house if I go drinking. There's some beer in the fridge. Without too many problems it should only tahe half a day yo fix the pump so I'll have plenty of time to be rejected by local hotties and alot of time to stare at the ceiling.
I'm not looking forward to this trip so much anymore. I'll probably go out once and spend the other days working on other projects around the property...
Gotdamnit
Weighed 165 at the docs office Thursday. Cut back on the beer and can see my six pack again. Lots of swimming helped too. Swam across Lake Perris and back on my birthday. Think I'll make it a GR tradition. Might hike to the top of that pointy hill on the east side of the lake this fall. I've been on every other hilltop around that lake. Gotta climb the pointy topped hill, damn it.
Going to some property near Cedaredge, CO Monday. I'll be staying for a week. There's a house and 47 acres my brother bought a couple years ago. I'll be working on the well pump while he goes to Denver on business. I'll be taking a bag of weed with me so that will make for some good times. No TV or internet. There's a bar 2 miles down the road. Sounds like a good place to get beat up or slapped. Hopefully I can get a ride back to the house if I go drinking. There's some beer in the fridge. Without too many problems it should only tahe half a day yo fix the pump so I'll have plenty of time to be rejected by local hotties and alot of time to stare at the ceiling.
I'm not looking forward to this trip so much anymore. I'll probably go out once and spend the other days working on other projects around the property...
Gotdamnit
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Goin' crazy
I'm thinking Glenn Beck's last sponsor will be Fruit Loops.
Christine O'Donnell will be doused with water and shrivel up.
Rand Paul will be asked to leave a JC Penney because his kind are not welcome there.
The shield of Palin's exorcism will wear thin and the demons will make her talk funny.
Well, I already got the last one right.
Christine O'Donnell will be doused with water and shrivel up.
Rand Paul will be asked to leave a JC Penney because his kind are not welcome there.
The shield of Palin's exorcism will wear thin and the demons will make her talk funny.
Well, I already got the last one right.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
No Depression
According to my psychologist, I do not suffer from clinical, or major depression.
She does however, say that I am depressed. Because I do enjoy pleasurable activities like normal morons do and am not bipolar, there'll be no drugs for me. I have no chemical imbalance. I'm just sad.
"You need to seek good times and pleasurable activities, Greck," Doc says, "or suffer."
GR, "So I have a choice?"
Doc, "It's up to you."
Me, Not completely. Thank you, doctor."
Hmm. Fuckin' SOL.
What a waste of time. Only made me feel worse. God damnit.
She does however, say that I am depressed. Because I do enjoy pleasurable activities like normal morons do and am not bipolar, there'll be no drugs for me. I have no chemical imbalance. I'm just sad.
"You need to seek good times and pleasurable activities, Greck," Doc says, "or suffer."
GR, "So I have a choice?"
Doc, "It's up to you."
Me, Not completely. Thank you, doctor."
Hmm. Fuckin' SOL.
What a waste of time. Only made me feel worse. God damnit.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Getting old - back pain
Every year a mobile home should have a new coat of sealant applied to the roof. I let mine go for seven years... Until today.
In the old days carrying two 5 gallon buckets of sealant up a ladder to the rooftop was a little difficult. This morning it really fucked up my back. I used tio laugh at bigger guy's like Brad, who'd carry them one at a time, and struggle like crazy to get the bucket too the roof, then he'd use up 5 gallons and repeat the struggle. I felt a little like Brad today. I strained my back toting ten gallons. Brad would break his ass doing five.
Even though my back was in pain, I managed to do the roof in record time. A cheap throw-away brush for the edge and around the roof jacks and one rough surface roller did the trick. No breaks. No coming down to cool off.
I don't think it's age thatmade the haul up the ladder difficult. It was the fact that I have had very little weight training the last few years. I do think that age taught me to do the job much quicker.
3 hours on the roof and 7 hours ar a doctor's appointment today...
Thyroid not good. Blood pressure great. Siobhan broke my heart two days ago.
Time to smoke a big fat bowl and relax before bed.
Good night my thousands of friends. Psshhh
In the old days carrying two 5 gallon buckets of sealant up a ladder to the rooftop was a little difficult. This morning it really fucked up my back. I used tio laugh at bigger guy's like Brad, who'd carry them one at a time, and struggle like crazy to get the bucket too the roof, then he'd use up 5 gallons and repeat the struggle. I felt a little like Brad today. I strained my back toting ten gallons. Brad would break his ass doing five.
Even though my back was in pain, I managed to do the roof in record time. A cheap throw-away brush for the edge and around the roof jacks and one rough surface roller did the trick. No breaks. No coming down to cool off.
I don't think it's age thatmade the haul up the ladder difficult. It was the fact that I have had very little weight training the last few years. I do think that age taught me to do the job much quicker.
3 hours on the roof and 7 hours ar a doctor's appointment today...
Thyroid not good. Blood pressure great. Siobhan broke my heart two days ago.
Time to smoke a big fat bowl and relax before bed.
Good night my thousands of friends. Psshhh
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